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Hard-to-get information and helpful facts every UT student should know:

STEAM TUNNELS: Yup, they exist. But that's all we're telling you.

LARRY FAULKNER: Soon to be former CEO of University, Inc. His office is on the fourth floor of the Main building. It's protected by a full-time police officer, a locking barricade-like door, several security cameras, an elevator that can be shut off and layers and layers of bureaucracy.

ORANGE TAPE: It's like red tape, except orange.

"FREE SPEECH ZONES": A few areas on campus where you can exercise your constitutional rights... But be sure to reserve ahead of time

SALD: Student Activities and Leadership Development. UT's most petty bureaucracy. Go here to register a student group, steal office supplies, reserve a room or rally space, and see what other services are available to student groups

THE UNIVERSITY CO-OP: UT's bookstore monopoly. An ever-expanding extravaganza of burnt orange crap. Be sure to save all your receipts and turn them in for a rebate. It might be the only way the Co-op saves you a dime.

THE TOWER: Can't miss it. Also known as the big phallus in the sky... because it's always dicking you around.

SOUTH MALL STATUES: There's a reason they call it South mall. Visit Robert E. Lee and other Confederate war heroes. Be sure to find just the right angle on the George Washington statue: he appears to be holding his member.

OFFICE HOURS: Go you must if you ever expect to meet a professor at UT

LECTURE HALLS: Auditorium-sized classrooms where you'll be spending your first two years.

BURNT ORANGE TAN: What many Longhorns do to show their school pride

SIXTH STREET: Between 5th street and 7th street. Be sure to take the E-bus to avoid drunk driving. Save the puking for home.

BICYCLES: They're everywhere. If you're a car driver, give bikes the right!

LOCAL BUSINESSES: One of the things that make Austin better than where you're from. Support them.