By Matthias Regan and Amy Partridge
September 1994; Volume 1, Issue #2
(sub)TEX

On this tape, the Christal Methodists crank-call the on-air proponents of Proposition 22, the Concerned Texans, including the Reverend Charles Bullock.

You can't sleep. Cruising the a.m. stations you stumble upon a late-night evangelical Christian talk show. A young man, Joe, calls up and begins discussing the efficacy of Operation Rescue and anti-abortion legislation against the Clinton administration, concluding that these tactics are not as effective as they should be. Joe asks the host if he's heard of a "new" anti-abortion organization:

Joe: Are you familiar with the, uh, new anti-abortion group called BirthFirst!? Apparently they insert, um, they take a hold of male nurses who work in, um, abortion clinics--they get hired there--and then they induce pregnancy [Joe means, labor] in women during their third trimester who come in for abortions.

Host: No, I'm not familiar with that.

Joe: Yeah, well apparently, their motto is, you know, "better a deformed Christian than none at all."

Host: He, no, heh, I'm not familiar with anything like that. I'm, I don't think you can be a "deformed Christian" and I don't think there's any neutrality in the Kingdom of God. I think you're either in the Ship or out of it. Yer either on or off. Hot or cold. There are no in-betweens.

Joe: (Interrupting) I'm on the ship to stay, sir.

Host: Well, I am too, I hope. I'm doing the best I can.

Joe: Well, anchors aweigh!

Host: Bye-bye.

So begins Scripture Lips & Filter Tips, the latest and best of the new "crank phone call" albums appearing more and more frequently in (or in this case happily outside of) the alternative music industry. The Christal Methodists (Herr Khmer Ribs, Dr. Critical Dubbs, Rev. Dr. Shrimpy Scampers, and appearing for the first time on this album, Debbie Dachau and NEIL) originated in 1987 at Reed College, releasing their fist album Savage-Vigilance for a Rug-Free America as The National Hardwood Floors Association (Soleilmoon/ElectroMotive 1992, 1993). Their latest album is a montage of talk show call-ins, monologues, muzak, Nazi youth movement chants, and feedback. The sum of all this is an album which, rather than merely recapturing, reinvents an American punk tradition. The greatest strength of the album is this reinvention, which should (and will, if the corporations are not too powerful) spark the next major trend in alternative rock. When punk rock emerged in the late '60s it presented itself as the musical accompaniment of a political movement--an examination of the modern monarchy and the capitalist system. Riots ensued. The corporations rolled into gear and the movement was soon suppressed. American punk re-emerged in the '80s as a direct reply to the Reagan presidency and its reinvigoration of Cold War logics. The Dead Kennedys, X, and the Minutemen wrote openly political songs (such as "The New World," "Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing," and "Little Man With a Gun in His Hand"). These too were eventually consumed.

The Christal Methodists owe much to rap, from it they take the concept of dialogue as lyrics and their songs, like rap songs, depend on mixes often taken from other sources. In their calls the Methodists imitate the most extreme examples of the malaise they are critiquing. The second caller on "Scripture Lips" calling the same talk show a few minutes after the previous goes on to describe BirthFirst! in more detail: "You got the Holy Spirit workin' and you got amazing things climaxing right there and I've seen--I've heard amazing results." Dr. Critical Dubbs assures the host that "Jesus is right there" amongst BirthFirst!ers, and in the next call, Dr. Shrimpy Scampers describes the purpose of this mythical, terrorist cell as merely one of "convertin' the ladies and deliverin' the babies."

Later in the album Khmer Ribs describes how his young son feels no pain when hit on the head by a pro-choice demonstrator, because "It was for the right cause," taking a view more reactionary than even that of the host. Going beyond the host's expectations in extremism serves several purposes for the Christal Methodists. Practically, it allows them to remain on the air with the host for longer periods of time (a problem they had with National Hardwood Floors Association when the host began to recognize them as cranks) and therefore to allow the hosts to divulge more about their own perspectives. The unsuspecting preachers' agreement serves as a brilliant exposé of their born-again beliefs. Organizations such as Operation Rescue have persisted and prospered because they are rarely called upon to express their beliefs in terms other than those of their own choosing. They tend to appear far less reactionary than they actually are and consequently appeal to a wider range of listeners. White supremacists have demonstrated this knowledge as they begin referring to themselves as "white separatists."

Appearing as extremely right-wing as they do, the Christal Methodists lure the talk show hosts into defining their politics as honestly as possible. For instance, on "Savage Vigilance for a Rug-Free America" the Methodists, by presenting the view that homosexuals should be encouraged to join the military so they might be moved to the front lines and killed, induce the talk show host to sate that homosexuality is "not a good idea"--a flat admission the Portland host ordinarily avoided saying outright. This tactic is combined with non-sequiturs and absurd metaphors (our favorite: Herr Ribs compares "his brother's" impending re-birth as a Christian with surfing the "divine surf board ... on a wave that's about to break open"--to which the host replies, "and that might be a good thing!"). The Methodists aspire to bring out the worst of the born-again orators. This exposition of the right wing, by bringing shows commonly reserved for the AM band onto FM for college radio replay, is an important political achievement, a forcible outing of closest fascists. Only by hearing the enemy are we able to recognize it.

Write for a Goy Division/Christal Methodists catalog: P.O. Box 650239 Austin, TX 78765-0239